God

I've always been interested in the way that God permeates mental illness. I believe in God. I believe that He can speak to us in all sorts of ways. I believe that those who have faith and are committed to a relationship with God can truly feel and see his presence in their life and the world. So I am always curious about His appearances in the lives of people with mental illness. Dave and I walked a path toward faith for awhile. After a year or so of living in our very quaint little community we began attending church. I'm not sure if Dave was atheist or agnostic or just didn't think that Christianity had the monopoly on life everlasting, but we definitely came from very different religious backgrounds. So I was hopeful when we attended a course together and it seemed that our faiths were aligning. I had always wanted to share my faith with my husband. Unfortunately it didn't last long and Dave veered in another direction after our pastor said something negative about Buddhism. Then Dave's faith made a come back about a year later when his passion for saving us from the world ending was peaking. He believed that God wanted him to create a safe space for us and as many people as we could help, to live in when the world began destroying itself. Okay. So many red flags now but at the time I was submerged in this world he had created. I had no idea the depths to which his planning was going. So, through his most sick times Dave had a "God connection". Where did this come from? Was it real? Was it demonic? Was it something his mind had created as rationale for his actions? I'll never know. There was one time when I came up to Calgary looking for an apartment to rent and I asked him to come with me. This was at a time when he was living with family and was supposedly on medications...which he wasn't taking. Anyway, his "crazy" was continuing and as usual he was fairly good at hiding it. But on our drive around the city, at one point his eyes got all glossy and he began telling me how God was telling him things. There was such an eerie feeling in the car, almost palpable and it scared me. I don't remember the conversation exactly but I do recall telling him I didn't want to talk about that anymore. I had actively shut down that chapter of my life and I had no desire to continue it. Clearly Dave was still very sick but he was no longer my problem. Nor did I have any link to his psychiatric clinic or a contact to anyone who would listen. I couldn't deal with him anymore. But now, thinking about what that would feel like... Imagining for a second that I was hearing God's voice, or feeling like God was prompting me to do something....believing it was real and clear as day...that would be really overwhelming. Very compelling. And I could see this in Dave's eyes. He really believed it was true and what lowly human would disobey the very clear and compelling voice of "god". Dave's delusions were very very strong. Terrifyingly strong. Strong enough to bring about total collapse of our life together. I don't ask too many questions these days but once inawhile I'll ask him if he still does his "science stuff". He casually says no, seems almost bored with it. And who's going to argue with such a nice, easy going guy? I have no idea what he does when he's not with me and the kids. Not really sure why I ask.

At the Core

I don't think that schizophrenia has changed who Dave is at his core, but it changed almost everything else surrounding that core. With everything else altered, that core human being can't function as he once did. Dave was always so good at taking care of me when I was sick. He would cater to me, wait on me, take away all the worry and minimize the effects of whatever illness I was suffering from. He loved me....held my hair and rubbed my back while I threw up, rushed around trying to get me whatever I needed to help me. I knew that if I was staying home sick he would set up our bedroom for me with the laptop to watch movies, or at times he actually brought a tv up to our bedroom with a tall stack of movies for me to watch. He'd make tea, make soup, go to the pharmacy and get me medicine, make a nice hot bath for me, rub my feet, tuck me in bed. He did all of that for me. For several years! I got quite accustomed to that pampering. I loved it actually. I miss it and feel profoundly more alone when I'm sick, as I am now and have been a lot in the last couple months. I still feel that is who he is at his core. An immensely loving man who wants to care for his children. But he can't do that for me anymore. As Dave's illness progressed he still tried to care for me but it became rushed. He always had something else to do. Something else to get to. So the tuck-ins became more rushed, but he tried, that's for sure. It must have been difficult with his mind going a mile-a-minute and me trying to get him to sit with me and do the baby journal we would read together each night when I was pregnant. He would sit with me, however distracted and we would reach each day about what was happening with our babies as his mind was simultaneously pulling him away from me. He felt such stress and pressure to work on his science and math that he never did complete a page in the journal meant for the daddy to fill out. As the last few years of our marriage went on, I can now see how the disease crept up over him and grasped him, pulling him away. After the babies were born he tried so hard to do his 4 hour shift with the babies so I could sleep a little. I remember one night waking up after a blissful 6 hours of sleep to find that he hadn't slept at all, did two feeds with the twins all the while working on his science. It was chaotic. But amidst the chaos he always tried his best to take care of me. Now his mind is slower, possibly clearer, and he does what he can to help with the kids which sometimes feels like very little and other times it is a lot. But I can tell that multi-tasking is very hard for him. Well, its hard for many people not suffering from schizophrenia, but I've seen a decline in his ability to multi-task from where he was previously. I no longer have my husband, but at least the kids have their dad.

unpredictable

When there are so many good days, it still comes as a disappointment when a bad day arises. This is the unpredictable reality of mental illness. On his meds, Dave is more or less maintained. His meds keep him at a level where he can care for his daily needs, take care of the kids for limited periods of time and help me out with chores if I'm getting run down. And I've become used to this. I like the help and appreciate it. So this morning when my kids were too sick to go to their dayhome and Dave didn't answer his text my heart sank. I knew it, but called him anyway because I needed help. And I knew for sure when he answered the phone. The bad days creep up and cover him in a drape of darkness. That's how it feels to me anyway...so I know I can't ask anything of him. It's a difficult reminder of our truth. That this is with us forever. That I can't rely on him. At least not for awhile until the darkness fades and I once again get a glimpse of the guy I once knew.

A light in the shadows

Amidst the diagnosis and permanence of schizophrenia, there is light. For an almost ex-wife; for the father of my children; for the children. A light that makes me wonder about the what ifs. Like what if we didn't fall apart? What if we were still together? What if I hadn't stopped loving him? These flashes of light are beautiful, where I can see the Daddy my kids deserve and I can communicate with a man who seems really familiar. We are lucky, Dave's schizophrenia isn't severe. At least not in the hours I am with him. He is well maintained it seems, and I feel so blessed that he comes over so often and helps me with the kids. I'm always watching, listening and observing how he interacts with the kids, what he says to them, what he feeds them, how he speaks to them. Today and yesterday he did great. Reassuringly great. It encourages me and makes me feel good about him caring for the kids, yet I don't get comfortable in that comfort. Because I know he has off days, but I also know the off days seem fewer and fewer. Maybe there is potential for things to get even better. I don't know. And I wonder about the 22 hours of each day that he isn't here. I would like to think that he is honest in the stories he tells me but I really don't know what he does. I wonder if his room is full of notes and scribbles and calculations. If he cleans it or if his room is a wasteland of a mess. I wonder what he feeds the kids when I'm not home. Does his illness allow him to organize himself with the kids? All I know for certain is when I come home they are happy, excited and slightly dirtier than I would have them. I know that he loves our children more than life. He showers them with love and attention and enjoys every minute with them. That is more than many can say, mental illness or otherwise. Maybe it's luck, or a blessing, or karma or whatever you believe in, that this disease could permeate our lives, our marriage, our family but could still end up with a pretty workable situation. I think it was forgiveness and willingness to move forward and put our children first that got us here, over the mountain of tears and pain and learning and struggle. But I'm so thankful we made it here and hope we can continue to build on it.

The Cost....Part One

I used to hide my Visa card. In the freezer, in the soil of a potted plant, taped to the inside top surface of a dresser drawer. He was never good with money. Ever. It came in and flew out. Debt wasn't a concern for him, it didn't matter and making minimum payments was a fine approach to managing the debt. This was the polar opposite of how I was raised to think about money. I made it, I banked it, I spent some, I saved some, I paid my Visa in full each month. As life carries on it's expected that one will take on some debt. Car loan, mortgage, line of credit to do some reno's on the condo...these things were all reasonable, manageable debt one takes on to reach the next stages in life. Complete financial demise didn't happen overnight and it took a long time to get to the point where the phone ringing gave me anxiety as I knew it was a creditor and I also knew there was never enough money. I wouldn't answer the phone and I fell into denial but inside I was in pure panic mode, dealing with it all alone because my husband refused to get a job and I was on maternity leave. It wasn't long before I was calling the mortgage company asking where to send the keys. Money was a big part of the manifestation of Dave's schizophrenia. Money, lies and preparing for the end of the world. Oh, so much to this story. I'll just stick to the path of our financial catastrophe and try to sort that all out here. I should have taken more control of our finances, and I couldn't answer that question coming from my father-in-law and my parents when all of this finally came out. They didn't understand why I didn't take more control. No clear answer was there. I thought that I tried, although obviously not hard enough, and much of the problem was that Dave did what he wanted when it came to money, spent what he wanted and credited even more. So in our time together the debt slowly accumulated and I did nothing to stop it. We still paid the bills, it was all under control when we were both working. Dave worked hard, always had and so even though he lacked a university degree or a definite career path I had felt from the beginning that we would always be alright. He would always work and would be great at whatever it was. Now I know why my parents were so concnerned that Dave only had a high school education plus some miscellaneous other courses. He worked mostly in the trades, tried a few other things, tried some schooling but never settled in any one direction. It seems that the lack of focus that so clearly surfaced when he got sick was there from the beginning. Another seed? I did not recognize that as a concern in my early 20s, madly in love with a man who put me up on a pedestal. Not too long after we were married, the job hopping became because I never really knew when the next big idea would surface...accounting, criminal justice, trades, car salesman, roofer, shipper/receiver, glasier. Finally he seemed to settle into the glass business. I was relieved. A good job, steady income...and he was very good at it. Became physically stronger and worked hard. Long hours sometimes, and we lacked much of a social life but it was stable, good money and he seemed happy. That lasted for a couple of years before the restlessness crept in again, paired with grand ambition of his own construction company. Why didn't I put a stop to this? Because I loved him, believed in him, wanted to help him succeed. Things were under control financially at this point because with two incomes and no children, we were managing things just fine. Little did I know what was ahead. From the time he quit his glass job, there was a palpable shift in our world. In his energy, focus, our finances, and his ability to hear me. The more I think about it, although Dave loved me, he mostly did things his way and wouldn't always consider my opinion. He would pacify me temporarily and then do whatever he thought best. Unfortunately he was often wrong. And I say that not as a wife thinks of her husband but because everything fell apart. I see the business failure as the onset of major mental illness for Dave. After borrowing money from his family, spending it, and making very little in our business we were in a financial mess and emotionally Dave took a huge hit. I allowed him to convince me into consolidating our debt and remortgaging our house in my name alone. I would suffer later from that decision. I remember leaving the bank being absolutely livid. I hated him for putting us in this financial mess, and I was too embarrassed to reach out and talk about this with my parents or his father. I wanted to leave him. He had failed me, failed us and he felt this tremendously. For many years I think Dave always felt like a disappointment, unable to give me the life he thought I deserved. Already by that point I was tired of dealing with everything on my own and felt like the only responsible adult in the relationship. Part of his illness suggests that his decision making ability and rational thought processes are alike to a teenager. He wasn't making decisions like a responsible, grown man, that was for sure. With a diagnosis of Disorganized Schizophrenia there is a huge impact on how one thinks, processes information and an inability to follow through on plans. Lack of focus. That was my Dave. We had a plan for this business. One job at a time, do it well, complete it then move on to the next. Well he was all over the place. Numerous jobs on the go with inadequate staff and resources to do the quality work. He spent much more money than was coming in. Wait. Did any come in? Questionable. Dave had borrowed money from a family member and that absolutely FLEW out as Dave purchased every piece of equipment and supplies that we could ever need. His spending was manic and he did not respond to any cautious word from me. I didn't feel like I could stop him. When I questioned him he brushed me off. You could not give Dave money. He spent it so incredibly fast. And this was extremely exciting for him. After the business failed Dave spun full tilt into his own head. I had noticed the disorganization, inability to focus on the the present, constant distraction and it was like he was never in the room with me. During the following months/years Dave had intermittent jobs however I can't exactly recollect what or when. With the intermittent jobs and whatever credit he could get his hands on, the uncontrolled spending carried on, but this time because of a different motivation. Dave's illness was growing and took on the face of a monster of impending doom. With an obsession with the end of the world, Dave spent money on stockpiling suppliess. All kinds of supplies...and again one must ask, how could I not know he was sick? Why did I not stop it? It is all too much to believe sometimes. Once again, there is so much more to that part of the story, but it is enough for me to try and sort out the money mess that we lived in. And I have to face the reality yet again that I did nothing to stop this. He had me afraid. Maybe even a bit brain-washed. Maybe that's a cop-out, I just figured that he was more than likely not correct, but what if he was right? All I feel is stupid and foolish when I think about this. No wonder it has taken me two years to put it down in front of me. This feels like prying open a vault with an ice pick. It's too much.

The Cost...Part Two

There was a light bulb moment when Dave wanted to go shopping for a new washer and dryer. While we were there he also pushed to get a new vacuum and hey, why not a new TV? He thought I should get a credit card for Leon's and it wouldn't matter because there was a "Do Not Pay Until 2013" promotion and the world was going to end in December 2012. I said no, we almost had a big fight in the store. We needed a new washer/dryer and did get the vacuum, which I still have and love by the way but seriously, he was being ridiculous, demanding that we should do this and it would be fine I remember him being angry that I thought he couldn't possibly be right and the world wasn't going to end so we should be a little responsible. Dave lied about having jobs, made up excuses when I asked where his pay cheque was. Lies were the only language he spoke. There was always a banking error, delay in payroll, or he would tell me he owed someone money or gave the money to his brother for rent instead of paying our mortgage. What a crappy existence it was. Living in overdraft, being the only one carrying the responsibility. I tried to set us up on a budget, divided the money in jars, envelopes, you name it. I tried to get him on board. I could not penetrate his mind. He didn't see me. I didn't exist, the only thing that mattered was preparing for Doomsday and he was willing to sacrifice his relationship with me in order to save my life when the end came. It was humiliating and top secret of course, no one knew what we were going through financially or otherwise. I didn't spend anything while he would still grab take-out or junk food or whatever while I spent nothing. My focus was on having babies and oblivious hope that somehow this mess would work out. Because he wasn't just sitting home doing nothing, Dave had plans and projects and proposals related to environment/climate change/green energy...all kinds of things and I don't know how many times he told me that the money would be coming. So many times that now I don't believe in anything unless I see it directly in front of me. God is the only exception to that rule. There was a moment of pure desperation while I was pregnant with our babies when I sat weeping on the kitchen counter, fighting with Dave over money, begging him, pleading with him to get a job. At four months into my pregnancy I had to go on sick leave, then disability so there wasn't a lot of money. To top it all off, Dave had brought a friend of his to live at our house...rent free of course. I think he wanted an ally, so he brought one in. After that broken-hearted plea Dave got a job....at least I think he did. Honestly I have no idea. There was a bit of money that came in. Dave's illness was spinning us both in circles. After the babies were born and I was in the hospital over the weekend, Dave came and went. He said he was working over the weekend but later I saw charges on the bank statement or credit card that showed he was at the movie theater. I was in the hospital with twins and he was avoiding us entirely. There was only so much hurt I could handle but I burrowed myself into the routine of my little ones and carried on. On the flip side Dave had entered full panic mode. He believed with all his heart that the end of the world was coming and now he had a wife and two babies to save. The pressure he must have felt would have been unbearable and from that point on he was more focused than ever on his plans to prevent harm from coming to his family. Mother's Day was the beginning of the end for us. He quit his job without telling me and then surely the money stopped coming in. I struggled with the creditors, suffered utter humiliation and stress dealing with all the debt we had accumulated while caring for my twins, mostly alone as Dave would go to "pretend" work all day and leave me by myself. I checked up on him at one point and went to his place of work...where they had never heard of him. He was a good liar though. Very convincing. Even pretended he was going up north to work on the rigs. I helped him get ready. How could I have been so naive!? This is difficult for me. Writing this all out. I hate myself a little bit for so many poor decisions and letting a sick man steer our course. But we are nearly at the end. After all was said and done, including our marriage, I was burdened with a line of credit, a mortgage and a credit card or two which he had spent money on without me knowing. The only way I could free myself and move on was to file for bankruptcy. Surreal is an understatement. Me, a girl from a family who is so financially responsible, a smart girl with a career and plans and a decent sense about money. A tremendously difficult thing to do...walking into that office and filing for bankruptcy. I'm still embarrassed about it. After completing the 9 month term I felt free. I freed myself from that financial weight and also freed myself from a very negative force in my marriage. There are so many consequences to mental illness. Financially I was destroyed. Dave didn't have to file for bankruptcy because his name was not on the house. What a painful reality that was for me. Had I been able to make better decisions I would not have had to carry the financial burden alone. Live and learn. And boy have I...Dave still has creditors calling him and still spends every dime he has. He still has grand ideas about things related to money. I am happy that I do not have to try and take care of him anymore. A previously irresponsible approach to money, paired with an overwhelming obsession with planning for the end of the world, as well as an inability to focus and work at a regular job created a financial mess and a very sick man sat at the center of it all. As much as I tried to reach him, I couldn't. Several heart breaking years for both of us. Part of what softens my heart in the midst of all this is that the motivation at the root of it all was that he wanted to save his family. What he couldn't see at the time was it was actually costing him his family. Something I know he will never quite forgive himself for.

The Things We Do For Love

Love. It meant more to me then. At 19, 20, 21...28...when I had no idea what I didn't know and that was easy and simple because I loved him and there was no possible way for things not to work out. I trusted him with all that I had and didn't need anything more than his love and devotion to me. Well, I had that for a long time. Lots of fun and some travel and the promise of many things. Sure that I would negate my parents' doubt and that Dave and I would be fine. Better than fine. And although we had our troubles we were well on our way to being fine. Until we weren't. There were characteristics that Dave always had that may have been signs. I have no idea. I feel a little ripped off honestly, that within this man who treated me like gold and stole my heart was a patiently waiting thief. Waiting to take my hopes and dreams from me. My husband and family would be taken from me. I thought I chose well, but no predictions could have come up with this one. As that seed sprouted and grew I didn't see it creeping in. Despite being a nurse and having a little training in the area of mental illness, it was still one of those situations where I could not see what was happening all around me, to me, to him. From the outside I think people questioned, maybe even knew, that there was a problem and on numerous occasions the question was asked of me. "Do you think he has mental illness? Schizophrenia? Depression?" No, he doesn't I would say. I was sure he didn't. Being that convinced, that sure of something and ending up being so completely wrong was totally destabilizing for me. That which I "knew" was completely false. I was wrapped up in the illness with him. He had woven it around me, around the babies in my belly, around our home and trapped me in a very dark existence and I blindly carried on. There is so much to the journey I shared with Dave and this force which took over our lives. Details which leave many people open-mouthed in disbelief and astonishment that I could have stayed, believed in him and supported him. There are times that I have felt judged and embarrassed that I didn't recognize the sick man before me. I knew he had changed and that things weren't good. Believe me. But more than anything else I believed that it would work out. That things would calm down and stabilize and that we would be okay. Even when I knew that I no longer loved him, I pushed that aside and told myself that the love would grow again once things settled down. We would work on it because we had our babies and our family was what mattered most. The things I did for love weren't enough for what schizophrenia required from me. It took my husband, my hopes, my home, my life as I knew it. Love couldn't save any of it. And now I stand in the echoes of what happened, adjusting and healing and wondering if I should open this vault and venture in. I do this to help understand myself better and so that maybe someone will read it and feel like they are not alone, as the spouse or loved one of someone with mental illness. Sometimes we get forgotten because we aren't the ones who are actually sick, but we have to continue living with the consequences of an incurable disease. It is real to us too, a part of our daily lives and something we have to learn to live with. Lacking any kind of expertise, all I have is an experience to share, and I'm learning, so here are the murmurings of that knowledge in hopes that at least one person will heal as a result, and maybe even help a reader or two.