A light in the shadows

Amidst the diagnosis and permanence of schizophrenia, there is light. For an almost ex-wife; for the father of my children; for the children. A light that makes me wonder about the what ifs. Like what if we didn't fall apart? What if we were still together? What if I hadn't stopped loving him? These flashes of light are beautiful, where I can see the Daddy my kids deserve and I can communicate with a man who seems really familiar. We are lucky, Dave's schizophrenia isn't severe. At least not in the hours I am with him. He is well maintained it seems, and I feel so blessed that he comes over so often and helps me with the kids. I'm always watching, listening and observing how he interacts with the kids, what he says to them, what he feeds them, how he speaks to them. Today and yesterday he did great. Reassuringly great. It encourages me and makes me feel good about him caring for the kids, yet I don't get comfortable in that comfort. Because I know he has off days, but I also know the off days seem fewer and fewer. Maybe there is potential for things to get even better. I don't know. And I wonder about the 22 hours of each day that he isn't here. I would like to think that he is honest in the stories he tells me but I really don't know what he does. I wonder if his room is full of notes and scribbles and calculations. If he cleans it or if his room is a wasteland of a mess. I wonder what he feeds the kids when I'm not home. Does his illness allow him to organize himself with the kids? All I know for certain is when I come home they are happy, excited and slightly dirtier than I would have them. I know that he loves our children more than life. He showers them with love and attention and enjoys every minute with them. That is more than many can say, mental illness or otherwise. Maybe it's luck, or a blessing, or karma or whatever you believe in, that this disease could permeate our lives, our marriage, our family but could still end up with a pretty workable situation. I think it was forgiveness and willingness to move forward and put our children first that got us here, over the mountain of tears and pain and learning and struggle. But I'm so thankful we made it here and hope we can continue to build on it.