The Cost...Part Two

There was a light bulb moment when Dave wanted to go shopping for a new washer and dryer. While we were there he also pushed to get a new vacuum and hey, why not a new TV? He thought I should get a credit card for Leon's and it wouldn't matter because there was a "Do Not Pay Until 2013" promotion and the world was going to end in December 2012. I said no, we almost had a big fight in the store. We needed a new washer/dryer and did get the vacuum, which I still have and love by the way but seriously, he was being ridiculous, demanding that we should do this and it would be fine I remember him being angry that I thought he couldn't possibly be right and the world wasn't going to end so we should be a little responsible. Dave lied about having jobs, made up excuses when I asked where his pay cheque was. Lies were the only language he spoke. There was always a banking error, delay in payroll, or he would tell me he owed someone money or gave the money to his brother for rent instead of paying our mortgage. What a crappy existence it was. Living in overdraft, being the only one carrying the responsibility. I tried to set us up on a budget, divided the money in jars, envelopes, you name it. I tried to get him on board. I could not penetrate his mind. He didn't see me. I didn't exist, the only thing that mattered was preparing for Doomsday and he was willing to sacrifice his relationship with me in order to save my life when the end came. It was humiliating and top secret of course, no one knew what we were going through financially or otherwise. I didn't spend anything while he would still grab take-out or junk food or whatever while I spent nothing. My focus was on having babies and oblivious hope that somehow this mess would work out. Because he wasn't just sitting home doing nothing, Dave had plans and projects and proposals related to environment/climate change/green energy...all kinds of things and I don't know how many times he told me that the money would be coming. So many times that now I don't believe in anything unless I see it directly in front of me. God is the only exception to that rule. There was a moment of pure desperation while I was pregnant with our babies when I sat weeping on the kitchen counter, fighting with Dave over money, begging him, pleading with him to get a job. At four months into my pregnancy I had to go on sick leave, then disability so there wasn't a lot of money. To top it all off, Dave had brought a friend of his to live at our house...rent free of course. I think he wanted an ally, so he brought one in. After that broken-hearted plea Dave got a job....at least I think he did. Honestly I have no idea. There was a bit of money that came in. Dave's illness was spinning us both in circles. After the babies were born and I was in the hospital over the weekend, Dave came and went. He said he was working over the weekend but later I saw charges on the bank statement or credit card that showed he was at the movie theater. I was in the hospital with twins and he was avoiding us entirely. There was only so much hurt I could handle but I burrowed myself into the routine of my little ones and carried on. On the flip side Dave had entered full panic mode. He believed with all his heart that the end of the world was coming and now he had a wife and two babies to save. The pressure he must have felt would have been unbearable and from that point on he was more focused than ever on his plans to prevent harm from coming to his family. Mother's Day was the beginning of the end for us. He quit his job without telling me and then surely the money stopped coming in. I struggled with the creditors, suffered utter humiliation and stress dealing with all the debt we had accumulated while caring for my twins, mostly alone as Dave would go to "pretend" work all day and leave me by myself. I checked up on him at one point and went to his place of work...where they had never heard of him. He was a good liar though. Very convincing. Even pretended he was going up north to work on the rigs. I helped him get ready. How could I have been so naive!? This is difficult for me. Writing this all out. I hate myself a little bit for so many poor decisions and letting a sick man steer our course. But we are nearly at the end. After all was said and done, including our marriage, I was burdened with a line of credit, a mortgage and a credit card or two which he had spent money on without me knowing. The only way I could free myself and move on was to file for bankruptcy. Surreal is an understatement. Me, a girl from a family who is so financially responsible, a smart girl with a career and plans and a decent sense about money. A tremendously difficult thing to do...walking into that office and filing for bankruptcy. I'm still embarrassed about it. After completing the 9 month term I felt free. I freed myself from that financial weight and also freed myself from a very negative force in my marriage. There are so many consequences to mental illness. Financially I was destroyed. Dave didn't have to file for bankruptcy because his name was not on the house. What a painful reality that was for me. Had I been able to make better decisions I would not have had to carry the financial burden alone. Live and learn. And boy have I...Dave still has creditors calling him and still spends every dime he has. He still has grand ideas about things related to money. I am happy that I do not have to try and take care of him anymore. A previously irresponsible approach to money, paired with an overwhelming obsession with planning for the end of the world, as well as an inability to focus and work at a regular job created a financial mess and a very sick man sat at the center of it all. As much as I tried to reach him, I couldn't. Several heart breaking years for both of us. Part of what softens my heart in the midst of all this is that the motivation at the root of it all was that he wanted to save his family. What he couldn't see at the time was it was actually costing him his family. Something I know he will never quite forgive himself for.