Coulda, Woulda, Shoulda

It dawned on me today that I could have prevented everything that is happening in my world. I really have no one to blame but myself. And maybe this illness. Dave's dad said to me today that he thinks Dave has likely been sick since his early twenties. I passed off his behavior as he just didn't know what he wanted to do but he loved me more than anything else and it would all be ok. He would figure it out. We would figure it out. He treasured me. Loved me. What more could I need? But some of his weird meditatey stuff, his inability to stick with any one job for very long or to complete a program at school, his insomnia, his frequqent marijuana use.... Very much symptomatic of disorganized schizophrenia. Apparently it's very easy to treat when caught early in the younger years but based on what the doctor sees now and what I have come to see while looking back, Dave has been sick a very long time. Dave's newest psychiatrist says Dave is "very sick". If he is still very sick, what am I missing? I am constantly worried that I am putting too much pressure on him but then slide back into wanting more from him as the kids dad, but also just in his assertiveness and ability to take charge of the parenting stuff. He can't. I have to let it go. If, at 19, I had been able to look at him and see that he was not a stable, reliable investment in my future then we would have broken up. He clearly was none of those things! Love. Blech. It blinded me and swept me away from all rational thought or ability to listen to my parents. Thinking about all the little seeds of this illness I can see that Dave has been sick for a very long time. Undiagnosed, and then fiercely protected by me. I hid him and our problems from everyone. I screwed up. This stupid illness wrapped itself all around me and I did nothing to stop it. I could have had a completely different life.