Illusions

I have realized that one part of this disease that can be most frustrating is the illusion of normalcy. There are periods of time and certain activities that carry on as anyone's do. Normal, every day activities that make Dave seem fine to me. Could it be the nature of disorganized schizophrenia which paints a sense of normalcy on the surface to shroud the confusion of the disease below? Or maybe it is the and routine I have built into our lives and how casually we drift toward and apart from each other for the sake of our little ones. This routine is so far from what I thought life had in store for me but it is a routine, nonetheless. As far from the my intended path as this seems to me, I recall Dave suggesting that maybe this is the way things were supposed to be. At the time, that confused me, angered me. How dare he say that the hell we have gone through was simply my destiny. But now I see that it's true. We had no choice in this disease taking over our future plans and dreams. Schizophrenia took it all away without asking my permission. So, given that aspect, perhaps the routine we have settled on, is in fact the way it was supposed to be. Dave's disease enables him to at least function and seem normal for the few hour intervals I am around him for. Maybe longer, but I have no way of knowing. During this window of time I see a fairly put-together guy. I know he has schizophrenia but I don't have to deal with the day to day realities of it and things seem normal. That is, if you would consider two exes hanging out with their children in relative harmony, normal. Since we couldn't prevent the illness perhaps this is the best way for us to coexist. The best way for him to participate in our kids lives. The best way for me to feel like things are normal. Sometimes realities are sad, but actually work when you take the time to consider the alternative. Much to be thankful for I guess, and at least I can recognize when an illusion is only that. So what does the existence of an illusion mean for Dave? Maybe he gets caught up in the illusion as well. Not sure if his short visits with the kids have lead Dave to believe that he could handle them full time or if it may have been suggested that AISH would be approved faster if he had the children. He says he truly wanted to provide me with an option for stress relief, but somehow Dave came to the conclusion that life could go on as normal if the children lived with him. My anger met feelings of horror and disbelief and pure confusion when this idea was brought forth. So casually as well. Did Dave fall victim to the small glimpses of normal that we get when he is helping the twins with dinner and getting them ready for bed? When I poured out question after question Dave had no answers for me. I believe it was the illusion of normalcy that got to him too. I fall prey to this periodically and must remind myself that all is not normal. All is not simple and easy. I can be temporarily distracted by ideas of normal but for Dave the illusion is not so easily differentiated from ugly reality. That is, there is no way he could raise our children. This is truly a sad and unexpected reality. Particularly when I made it exceptionally clear that the children would never go to live with him. We never have nor will be ever be "normal". But thankful is something each of us can try to work into our lives. Some days it's easier than others.